marriage Tag

LET’S BE REAL

There were a lot of conversations, thoughts and prayers that went into making the decision to move, and to have our family separated for close to 5 months. Daryl and I talked about what it would be like to be apart for that long. We talked through logistics, talked about those things that he HAD to be home for, talked about what needed to be done before he left and talked about how the kids would handle it. We even had several conversations about what it would mean for our relationship. How we would handle being apart, what we would need to do to stay connected and how we might feel when we came back together again for good. Even though I felt like we talked about everything we could think of, I don’t think any of it prepared us for some of the emotions we have experienced.

Leading up to Daryl leaving I was pretty emotional. As we walked around the house and he showed me all of the things I needed to know (you know those things I never cared about before, like how to turn the water off in the house, because I knew he had it covered) I just cried. Anytime anyone said goodbye to him I cried. As he packed up his stuff I cried. You get the point. I was pretty much an emotional wreck leading up to his departure. When the day came for him to leave, nothing changed. As he said goodbye to the kids, I cried (and felt incredibly sad for them). As he and his Dad pulled out of the driveway I cried. As I went through my day, I cried. When dinner time came that night, I cried. Through all of that he was the strong one. He kept telling me that he would see us in a few weeks, that we would talk or FaceTime whenever we wanted. He kept telling me “Don’t cry, it will all be ok.”

As the first and second week went by it got a little easier, but dinner time and Friday afternoons were still hard! Around 5pm every night I would find myself waiting for him to walk in the door from work, and when that didn’t happen I would get sad. It didn’t help that the kids were also pretty mopey during dinner time. After a couple of days, Ty said “It is so sad that Dad isn’t here for dinner with us every night, his chair seems so lonely.” That night he drew a person, cut it out and taped it to Daryl’s chair. Now Dad would be with us for dinner every night 🙂

Friday evenings were hard too. Friday night is normally family night in our house. A night where we are all huddled together after a long week. It was also a reminder that the weekend was here, a time that I used to look forward to, but now it just made me sad. We would talk or FaceTime with Daryl on Friday night and as I said goodbye I would get emotional. Again, Daryl would remind me that it was all going to be ok and that he would be home soon (soon to me means SOON, you know like a couple of hours or maybe even a day or 2. but over 3 weeks didn’t really count as soon in my book).

As the days went by things got easier. We got used to our new normal! We counted down the days until we got to go to Cali, and I cried less and less. I would still tell Daryl how much I missed him and how I wasn’t really a fan of doing life on my own. He would tell me that he missed me too, but he always stayed overly positive! To be honest, this started to irritate me. I didn’t feel like he was being real with me and I long for people in my life to be “real.” It started to make me feel like it didn’t really bother him that we were apart. It started to make me question things I don’t normally question. I thought all of that would go away as soon as we saw each other again, so I couldn’t wait for our trip to Cali at the end of January.

The trip was great, we had a fantastic time! It was amazing to be together again, but there were moments that just felt awkward! This was my husband, and awkward wasn’t a feeling I have had around him for a very long time. I didn’t like it, and I wasn’t ok with it! As I thought about it, I knew it was because we weren’t being real with each other. He was doing his best to stay positive and act like living apart was no big deal – so he could be strong for me (this all came out after me saying “I’m done with the overly positive attitude, just be real and tell me how you are feeling. I don’t want you to tell me that it will all be ok, I want you to tell me that this sucks!”) He heard me! And in hearing me the real truth came out!

Leading up to Daryl leaving, and really for the first month or so that he was gone, all I really thought about was how it was affecting the kids and I. I had this notion that he was loving life out there and that he really didn’t mind being alone most of the time. He is an introvert and likes to be home and by himself at times, so this was the perfect scenario for him, right? Nope, not really! What I have come to realize is that he is pretty lonely out there. I remember a friend telling me before Daryl left that I had to think about how he was going to feel being alone. After all, the kids and I would have each other and would continue to live life as normal. But he would be living a completely new life with nothing normal to hold onto.

I don’t think the loneliness really set in for him until the last month or so. We are so blessed to have my Aunt and Uncle out there, and Daryl lived with them for the first month and a half, which was a great thing for him on so many levels! He was given an opportunity to live closer to work in February, which meant 3 less hours a day for him the car. Obviously this was a no-brainer. But what we didn’t realize is how lonely he would feel in that environment. I know it would drive me CRAZY to be by myself every night. That would be torture for me, but I think he is feeling the same way.

To be honest, there is part of me that wishes he would have just continued to stay with my Aunt and Uncle! I know that doesn’t make sense given the driving he was doing, but he had people that were there, and could provide that level of support that we have here. I keep asking myself, “Did we make the right decision to live apart for 5 months?” My answer for my kids continues to be yes. But it also kills me to know that my other half is lonely! If you know my husband, could you do me a favor? Could you reach out to him, check in on him or just ask him how things are going? I know if it was me, the only thing that would get me through is hearing from my family and friends on a regular basis!

Thanks friends!

Don’t forget to love each other well! You never know where life is going to take you, so love those around you with all you have! My hope is that people in my life never have to guess how I feel about them, and that they will know that they are loved beyond measure! I hope the same for each and every one of you!